Favourite Summer Things Mini Guide 2021

 Hey everyone! 

Welcome to a brand new blog post! I thought that today, I would talk to you all about some of my favourite items for the Summer that I have been checking out on social media. 

Dr Martens Geraldo Brando Sandals 

If you've been following me on social media or on this blog for a while, then you may know about my love for Dr Martens. I love all of their footwear and other products that they sell. One of my favourite products from Dr Martens are the Jadon Max Boots as not only do they look lovely but they also are made out of durable fabric and just fit my aesthetic amazingly. However, I do think during the Summer we all need a pair of shoes or sandals that are going to make us feel our sensational Summer fantasies and I think that the Geraldo Brando pair from Dr Martens do that perfectly! I personally adore them due to having the closed toe style of a shoe mixed with the sort of fun summer style that comes with sandals. I for one am wary of waring sandals due to hating my feet and I think that these will get me to start wearing sandals again due to this particular pair of sandals having that closed toe finish to the product. Check them out here.

Hill & Ellis 

We all need a good bag to get us through the warm weather and all of those hectic vibes that come with enjoying the Summer to its fullest! Hill & Ellis, a wonderful brand, create not only amazing bags but colourful bags that will complement the Summer vibes that you may be enjoying right now but will also add a perfect pop of colour to your Autumnal/Winter fashion looks! Their bags are also made with sustainable materials and are made in the lovely city of London! I absolutely adore their products and think that they are amazing all year round! Check them out here. 

Watermelon Malibu 

Who doesn't love a good drink? Is it just me or does Watermelon make you instantly think of Summer too? I guess its due to the amount of Watermelon based drinks that I have had during previous Summers. Especially Watermelon Mojitos! Malibu, which some already think as the epitome of Summer, have released a Watermelon version of their delicious drink and it is amazing. I absolutely love it and think that it is an amazing addition to a cocktail for those who love anything Watermelon. 

Jollibee 

If you have been living under a rock, which honestly I wouldn't blame you if you had been living under a rock during the past eighteen months, then you may not know what Jollibee is. Jollibee is a Fillipino fast food business that are slowly taking over the world! Jollibee focus on serving amazing Fried Chicken that will leave you feel happy for a while after you have eaten some. They also focus on creating an amazing homage to a well-known Filipino speciality which Jollibee have dubbed as the Jolly Spaghetti. This dish is amazing and reminds me of cold days where ally ou want is a hug in food form. They also offer a range of other dishes, have a brand spanking new store in Leeds and I think that their Fried Chicken eaten on a warm day in the Summer would be amazing! (Should I do a post on jollibee's food? Let me know down below or on my social media platforms!) Check them out here. 

Short Dungarees 

We all need a look to kill the Summer in! I think that Short Dungarees are the epitome of Summer fashion. If you follow me on Social Media then you will know that I mean this with my whole heart as half of my feed is full of me wearing different types of Short Dungarees including ripped ones which I think are amazing. A true chefs (in this case designers) kiss! They go with anything and just make you feel like it's Summer no matter what! 

So there we have it! A few of mt favourite Summer things! What are your favourite Summer things? Let me know down below or on my social media channels! 

Thanks for reading! 

Jamie!x 

Some of the brands and products mentioned in this post was in return for photos, or, products. All views are my own and this transaction does not change my opinions in this post at all. 

It's Getting Stormy Up In Here | VOLATILITY Storm Chasing

Hey everyone!

How's everything going? Let me know down below! 

Welcome to a brand new blog post! I thought that I would talk to you all about VOLATILITY Storm Chasing. What is VOLATILITY Storm Chasing? Carry on reading to find out!



Storm chasing, is well, chasing storms that can consist of any weather condition, from hail to extreme tornadoes, and, everything in between. Many storm chasers tend to create montages and compilations of videos to show off their love of storm chasing. This is mainly due to storm chasing being a dangerous hobby to enjoy and participate within. VOLATILITY Storm Chasing are here to completely shake storm chasing and the viewing of this sport up. They are here to change it for the better, via, a beautifully filmed and edited series of fun, adventures, and challenges on all terrain trip. There will be, thunderstorms, an abundance of hail, and much more. Will they get to capture the all mighty storm that they are chasing? You'll have to watch the series to find out.

In an interview with Ben Pickering (one of the amazing people that participated in creating VOLATILITY Storm Chasing) he estimates that he has spent an average of 20 hours, at least, each week editing since late August 2018, working out at a frankly unbelievable 560 hours on just the first episode! An incredible achievement considering he has to juggle with his day-job of studying for a PhD, editing whenever he can in the evenings and weekends.

We ran two Garmin Virb 360˚ cameras during the chases, which are renowned for their quality in the early 360˚ market. They also record a host of metadata such as barometric pressure, compass, gyroscope, heart rate, GPS and more which have enabled some of the unique shots and graphics seen in the series. Additional footage comes from DSLR time lapses and post-chasing interviews. Studio recording started last summer (and is still ongoing for the later episodes), and is captured using a Panasonic GH4 in a DIY studio location. Perhaps the best feature of shooting in 360˚ is the ability to edit the angle later (particularly for in-car conversations) with an infinite number of possibilities. Ben states that “this is one of the features which gives VOLATILITY Storm Chasing such a unique and engaging style”.

Even if you have never viewed Storm Chasing footage before, but love adventure based videos, even if its just stuff like vlogs/seeing what people get up to, then I'd suggest watching VOLATILITY. You can catch it on YouTube. If you want a little preview of the series, then, watch the trailer at the top of this post.

I hope that you've enjoyed this blog post. Come back soon for a in-depth review of their first episode!

Thanks for reading!

Jamie x

This is not a sponsored post. I am just promoting a YouTube series for a friend. All views and opinions at all time are my own. Please do check out the series. 

Telling It Like It Is | Mental Health

Hey everyone!

Welcome to a brand new post! Today, I'll be talking to you all about how my mental health has been like recently, and, what it's like right now. If you don't want to read this post then that's completely fine. At Jamie Sowden, there's plenty of posts from food to beauty and everything in between, so, if you don't want to read this then please read one of my other great posts.

Honestly. I think that it might be best for me to section out this post into sections otherwise I will probably end up merging five different topics into one paragraph.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of mental health, self harm, suicide, depression, anxiety, dysphoria. 

Loneliness:

I realise that starting off with this section might have not been the best way to start a post, but, ugh, loneliness has affected me so much and it slightly intertwines with university so i'm going to try and keep this bit to outside university and then put the rest in the uni section. Outside of university, I just get lonely every, well, week. I get that this instantly sounds attention seeking, but its the truth. It's just shit to realise that there is people around but you still feel like, well no one gives a fuck. Again, I get that it sounds attention grabbing. The quote from Gaga's Five Foot Two, where she talks about going from being surrounded by everyone to being on your own resonates with me so much. I just never really feel like I completely fit anywhere, and yes, some of this feeds into other sections but honestly, I've gone out just because I knew that I needed to. Loneliness can affect whenever and honestly, it makes my depression ten times worse. I just feel like I'm a massive burden quite a bit. It also feeds into friends. I have friends, trust me, I have a fair few, and I made tonnes more due to blogging, but I just never really feel like they're my friends? I just constantly feel like every time I try to talk to them, that there's a sense of pity in the atmosphere? I don't know. I consider Michelle, Abbey and a fair few others as close friends, but they all have their own things going on and, I dunno, I just don't want to bother them even more. I know that they won't feel like I'm bothering them but I know that they're going through a lot and to add my shit on top. Well, it just feels stupid to do so.


My Gender: 

Okay, so this is a weird one to get into. Let's start off with some basics. Sex and gender are not the same. They're not the same. They're definitely not the same. (Got that into your head? Right we can carry on.) Gender is a very weird thing for me. Not in a bad way. It's just that being well what I am (if we're labelling it then I prefer genderqueer), makes me feel more lonely sometimes? I feel like I don't fit into a community a lot. A lot of the LGBT+ community don't understand the concept of being genderqueer and they hate that they can't completely define it, therefore, they push out people on this basis, and well, I've probably not made it best for me within the trans community and that's my own fault. i just, I don't feel like I belong there sometimes? Not in a bad way again, it's just I honestly have no idea what the fuck is going on in my head and what I want to be, and here I am, surrounded by the most amazing group I could know, not feeling completely valid in my own skin because I don't know what I am. I don't know how I'm meant to be or feel. As I said, that's probably my own fault? I also hate feeling dysphoric. (Read my gender post if you want to know what that means), I just never fully feel like I'm in the right skin, whether I'm feeling masculine or feminine. I just, I feel abnormal and unconfident as. I constantly feel judged if I'm wanting to look at something but i'M portraying the opoosite sex than what I'm feeling. I always kind of feel like someone is going to come up to me, challenge me about, ramble on about 'if I can be what I want to be then they can be a shark' and then get punched. I guess it's the same when it comes to dating within the LGBT+ community. Yes marriage is a thing, but we don't have equality. The media still portray us as a community as a moral panic. Something to stay away and fear and therefore violent parties can justify their violent actions due to this. I just want to not feel like a piece of shit from wanting to be who I want to be, whether thats masc or fem depening on the situation. Both, neither, it's up to me, and I'm figuring it out but I just wish that it didn't involve other parites. I just dunno, i wish I could exude that fuck it confidence instead of feeling out of place within the world and wanting to not exist within this fucked up society.

The First Year Of University: 

Again, first things first, university isn't exactly what you think and, for any first year's going to Uni first, I'm really sorry to break that news to you. Moving into my own place was honestly, an experience of its own. It was mentally and physically draining. I know Leeds well but moving there and living there, that's new. I just didn't know anyone and anyone that I did know was working. It was hard, and honestly it made me cling to anyone that I could. Honestly I'm thankful to Nate, Craig and Abbey for being there and inviting me out. It put a massive strain on my depression. Coping in the darkness on my own was a completely new thing too. I have an eye condition and it screws my vision up in the dark. This means walking back from uni, which included walking over a bridge, ended up becoming random panic attacks a lot of the time. I just didn't know what I was doing. This also came into my loneliness. I just felt like I was in this weird singular bubble not knowing what was going on, even though I knew what I was doing at Uni. That's the thing about doing something you know and love. You actually feel safe to an extent. I spent most of my time shopping and if not then I'd be back at my flat before it got dark. Finding friends that understand your condition at University is harder than you would expect on both levels. Them understanding and me explaining, this honestly made me feel like I was just becoming a hermit more and more everyday. Going from having Christmas off to back to Uni screwed me up a bit mentally too, I just felt depressed, lonely and anxious so fucking often that it ended up in me relapsing. I don't really talk about self harming that much, but, I just, it felt like the right thing to do at the time and when I think about it, it was stupid. I hadn't done it in a long time and it just felt empty and stupid. (It's also awkward going on a date and them pointing it out within the first five minutes...) I think the blog helped to break the loneliness, because uni friends would ask about it, but again as soon as I walked away, I was back to being on my own and trying to do everything possible to overcome it and it became too much with juggling with essays and blogging. It's mainly why I disappeared quite a bit after Easter. This screwed up a few relationships with brands and honestly I regret it all, but, it felt necessary at the time and I couldn't do anything about it. Moving out was another thing that put a massive strain on my brain. I realised that I had to leave and go back to what I felt was reality at home, but, that had completely changed and it just made me feel more lonely when I did finally get everything home. (Note: do not try and take everything home on public transport, it won't go well!) I found it quite hard to separate because well, I had spent the year, trying to gain confidence and becoming a slightly better person when I was mentally stable to and I had to leave it all. I also didn't feel like I belonged at home when I got back. i still have things in bags. There isn't enough room for all of my possessions anymore and realising this just makes you feel like you're just renting another place out waiting until you can repeat the process of going back all over again.


Medication 

Probably best to leave this as the last section. (I'm sorry if you read all of this post as it will be around 2,000 words.) Uni suggested that I should see their counsellor and i did. I liked the counsellor, but I have trust issues and honestly, I just felt anxious and awkward and by the end of it, I felt like I had talked about the same things over and over and realised things that i knew. I knew that I had depression, I knew that I rely on people too often. I knew that I had daddy issues. I just had zero idea on how to sort them and push through them. I decided that as it didn't work, to try and attempt the doctors and after several attempts I did. I got prescribed Propranolol. The main thing about this is that it calms your heart down when it comes to panic attacks. i've learnt to take these in moderation and with nothing else because you will feel like the devil is posessing you. I need to properly get through my depression stuff but the tablets have helped me realise a lot including how people can be shit including myself, and how I have weird triggers. The side effects can include dry eyes and other nasty things but honestly, if these tablets can help me not feel like an anxious shell of a person when doing things such as, going out and meeting new people then I'm down for trying them and hopefilly get a bit better. Who the hell gets triggered by a baby crying? I'm getting there and hopefully the second year of uni won't be as daunting with these aids and the few friends that I know that I can completely count on, even, if they're far far away. I've had a few other things going on but for many many reasons, I've decided to not to talk about it in this but hopefully i can get through them too.

I hope that you have enjoyed this post and I hope that it has been informative. I hope that you are having a wonderful day no matter when you are reading this. Comment down below with anything that you want. Whether you want to talk about your own experiences or you want to help someone feel better.

Thanks for reading! 
Jamie x 

What My Mental Health Was Like Within First Month Of Uni

Hey!

Welcome to a brand new blog post! The title probably explains what this blog post is going to be about. I've been at University for over a month and I just thought that it would be good to talk about how my mental health has been within that time.

University is a challenging thing especially when moving into a flat/accomodation which is normally the first independent living space that they've had, meeting new students, finding campuses, getting used to new lecturers, getting used to the course, getting used to the city and their surroundings, budgeting, coping with freshers and getting used to juggling everything with assignments and reading materials on a weekly basis.

Moving into somewhere new always takes it's toll on anyone but especially someone that suffers with mental health problems because honestly, mentally it takes a lot out of you getting used to somewhere new once the moving situation has been sorted with. I also think that it took me a while getting used to the place that I'm living in for the first year of university due to living behind a big music arena especially after the tragic events that happened in Manchester this year.

Getting used to new campises and getting lost can be a struggle on anyones mental health especially if you suffer with anxiety because you double check everything and try to make sure that the app has got your route opened up already so you're prepared but what happens normally includes your phone or app screwing up, taking a wrong turn or everything going well and okay but you still don't think you're going the right way so you end up self doubting yourself yet you're too anxious to ask anyone thats passing in case it makes you look completely stupid and then you end up checking your phone or watch several times to ensure you're getting there by the time you've been told to arrive and then you try to calm down for the next twenty or so minutes.

Homesickness normally happens within the first few months of living alone at University but I didn't feel homesick due to being quite close to home as it's only two buses away. I think only knowing mainly citizens of Leeds who work quite a lot compared to me whos got two days off a week which are spent either going home, sorting things for uni out or looking for jobs, it means that spending time with them is rare which honestly made me feel a bit lonely within a major massive city such as Leeds which just triggered my depression and made me wonder if all of this is really worth it and was I trying hard enough to make friends on my course?

Freshers doesn't appeal to me in any form whatsoever. The most I did at my Freshers Week was sit in a room and drink some tea and eat a good amount of cake for free and in my opinion that beats spending so many hours not remembering whats going on the morning after. The latter has a time and a place but cake normally beats it in my opinion. I don't get drunk off alcohol. I get more aware of my surroundings and then end up needing to go outside and then I end up having an anxiety attack of some sort so going into a nightclub where it's dark, sticky and loud wouldn't help it much.

What I'm attempting to get at is that things can be tricky when attempting something like University and its good to take a breather. Everything isn't great for me at the moment but I'm sure it'll get better when/if I get a moment to think and breathe.

Try to talk to your GP and get things sorted if possible or try and talk to your university and see what welfare services even though the NHS has had as many cuts as possible including mental health services, they are doing the best that they can.

Thanks for reading my rambly mental health student based blog post and I hope to see you next time for another blog post!

Thanks for reading! 
Jamie x 

Is It Safe To Be Gay In The UK

Hey!

Welcome to a brand new blog post! I think the title says it all really but I thought that today I would talk to you guys about why I believe that it's not completely safe to be gay in 2017.

I know that within the UK, we have some rights that ensure that we can be ourselves and we have things such as a legal same sex marriage now compared to things in countries such as the United Arab Emirates and Russia where being gay endures harsher punishments such as jail and concerntration camps but not everything within the UK is rose tinted spectacles.

Let's take going on a date for example... You have to awkwardly seem like you're just two friends catching up in case a staff member catches you and they chuck you out due to the news stories such as the Bakery denying a same sex couple to have a cake made for them. You then can't really show any affection and you're always scared on the actions that you make whilst you're on said date because in public, someone might cause harm to you... The lightest harm might be name calling and the hardest harm that might happen might be physical harm such as being beaten up for being something that you can't control. You end up realising that it's just easier to invite them to a date at home due to the amount of hate that happens...

I know that name calling might not sound like a big deal but when it happens time and time again, it slowly chips away the foundations of your self confidence when out and about.

Sadly, I've had some of the above thrown at me whilst being out in the public and it just makes you feel like you should be like you shouldn't be who you are because then you'd feel safer

Obviously, it doesn't happen everytime but it happens the majority of the time which is the sickening thing.

Sadly, media has helped to socialise the general public and reinforce hegemonic ideas into their minds via using minorities such as homosexual people as scapegoats to ensure that the general public steer their minds away from the truth and put their anger and frustration into something/somebody else. The general sort of lines include the fact that homosexuals are the epicentre and vessel of HIV or AIDS and if we didn't have them then the count for that would be lower when in fact the passing of HIV/AIDS can happen via sharing things such as needles which can be used by anyone not just homosexual people or they write some spiel about how something can ensure that someone is homosexual such as smoking marijuana. I'm not promoting marijuana but how can smoking something once make you instantly be sexually interested in the same sex as yourself. It's ridiculous... I know the nature/nurture debate about topics such as sexuality is a massive thing within society but I honestly doubt the nurture side can happen via partaking in something once...

I know that we have rules and laws in pace such as the Equality Act which ensures that no discrimination against people who are disabled, different sexualities, ages etc but does everyone actually know of this act and do they abide by it because if so then would we really have this much hate which has even gone to murder before because I honestly doubt it if we did... I know that some wouldn't abide by it but not as many that do in today's society.

People aren't safe in the UK but if we gave a little more tolerance and acceptance then we can make society a better place for minorities such as people of colour and the LGBT+ community. Just please take that into account.

What's your opinion? Let me know down below! 

I hope that you've enjoyed this little rambly LGBT+ based blog post and I hope that I've made some sense. I hope that you come back next time for another blog post!

Thanks for reading! 
Jamie x 

Tasting The Fruits Of Summer | Bubbleology Leeds

Hey! 

Welcome to a brand new blog post! A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to Bubbleology within Trinity Leeds to try their amazing bubble teas and to find out more about the background of their cimpany and I thought that today I will talk to you guys about it all.

Bubbleology is a tea based beverage business that sells Bubble Teas which can include fruit infusions, creamy concoctions and ckassic cocktails (that are only available at Trinity Leeds and Soho branches.) If you haven't heard of Bubble Tea then the best way to describe is imagine a brewed tea (it can be hot or cold as Bubbleology serve some hot and some cold) and then add small gummy bears in the shape of little marbles (also known as Tapioca Pearls) and then add juicy smaller balls of popping fruit such as Mango, Passionfruit and many more (Popping Boba.) Bubbleology have a variety of stores in England including Notting Hill, Meadowhall and many more. ]

We arrived in Leeds and made our way around to the infamous Trinity Leeds. We headed towards the Bubbleology store and was greeted by the manager of the branch. We talked about many things including the background of Bubbleology which started within Taiwan within the 80's. We also talked about things such as the managers favourite drink, what's the best thing about Leeds and how does the staff cope when Bubbleology is at it's most busiest time of the day. Her answers included Peach Berry, the people of Leeds and that everything (machinery wise) in the line of creating a product so the staff can easily get drinks made when its busy.

Bubbleology also offer samples of their drinks at certain times of the day every day which is great for those who are tempted to try Bubbleology and aren't sure on what flavour of Bubble Tea they would like or for the regular customer who is in a rut with their choices and isn't sure what new drink they want.

I ordered a Pina Colada Bubble Tea which is available as an non-alcoholic drink or an alcoholic drink at the Soho and Trinity Leeds branches via the addition of Malibu which sounds amazing especially on a warm Summers evening. I love the taste of Pina Coladas so I already knew that it was going to be great but it was excellent due to the texture contrasts of smooth liquid and gummy Tapioca Pearls. I also love the addition of the Popping Boba due to them instantly popping your mouth. I would definitely have this again whether it's non-alcoholic or alcoholic!

We then talked about the new Summer Drinks before Luke ordered his drink. The new Summer Drinks are Strawberry and Banana which reminds me instantly of a Summer Smoothie especially when Banana can be used as dairy free cream/ice cubes when frozen and put into a blender when creating a zombie. I was hesitant on the sound of Passion Fruit and Cucumber mainly because the majority of Cucumber is well water but the manager reassured that it actually adds a freshness to the Passionfruit which I think sounds like a great drink for a Summer's picnic or a drink to have whilst catching up with friends in the Sunshine.

Luke ordered a Peach Berry drink which as I stated earlier in the post is the managers favourite drink. Luke loves Berries and Peach so he instantly knew that he would love it and compared it to a take on a strong Liptons Peach Iced Tea which he loved.

Bubbleology are also available to deliver to your door via UberEATS.

What's your favourite drink flavour? Let me know down below! 

Thanks to the staff at Bubbleology for inviting me along to their Trinity Leeds store to find out more about Bubbleology and their amazing drinks.

I hope that you've enjoyed this bubble tea based blog post and I hope that you come back next time for another blog post!

Thanks for reading! 
Jamie x

This blog post was in return of a review of this establishment. All opinions, views and ramblings are my own. 

Anxiety & Blogger Events

Hey!

If you have been reading my blog for a while then you will know that I talk about mental health from time to time due to suffering from depression and anxiety. I thought that today I would ramble about coping with anxiety before, during and after a blogger event.

A stock image of a dark room with lights filled with people to represent a bloggers event.

When I get an invite to an event, the first thing that runs through my head is woo. Five minutes later, my brain double checks the reaction and turns it straight into worry which means I then read the invite again and make sure that I put the event down in my calendar on my phone with every detail necessary and then I try to remember it mentally as well. Every day after that, my brain slowly counts down and I worry about everything to do with the event especially if its somewhere that I haven't been before.

The day arrives, I double check that I have everything that I need and more. I also make sure that I triple check that I know where I'm going or think that I'm going or that my phone is charged enough so I have Google Maps to attempt to help me on my adventure. I normally tweet about the event on the day to see if I know anyone that is going so I know that I won't be an anxious mess in a corner trying to avoid everyone so I don't seem like a failure of a professional person at an event.

Once I am travelling to the event, I worry about whether I will look like a sweaty drowned rat or out of place compared to everyone else. When I get into the event, I try to forget about it but there's always a lingering feeling of being judged or thinking that something will go wrong so I always feel like I have to have a social crutch to help me no matter what whether that is a phone in my hand for me to sink my head into, a glass with a drink in for me to drink instead of rambling about nothing or a piercing for me to fiddle with when I feel like I'm just stood there being in the way/doing nothing. I know this all sounds weird but it works for me.

I chat and try to act professional and normal unless I'm chatting with someone that I can trust which is a good bunch of the bloggers from Leeds and the surrounding areas and then I make the venture of going home which normally includes a train which gives me time to think.

Thinking can instantly turn into overthinking and that makes everything worse as I believe that everyone has thought that instead of myself worrying about what everyone else thinks, they just believe that I'm either a bitch or up myself for not interacting as much as I should which then makes me think whether or not if I should really be at events if I'm like this, I normally get some sleep and then get on with the post the next day and then the cycle starts again with the next event.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love blogger events! I just wished that I wasn't so anxious at them.

Have you ever had any of these moments before, during or after a bloggers event or any event in general. Please let me know down below.

I hope that you have enjoyed reading this slightly rambly post. I hope that you come back for more!

Thanks!
Jamie x

That Time When I Declined Experience With Attitude Magazine

Meow!

I think the best way for me to write this blog post is if I just get straight into it.
It's going to be really short. Ah well.

Bit of a trigger warning: I mention anxiety and panic attacks.

So last year, I tweeted a few places asking if there was any emails I could contact about any internships over the Summer when I had time off from college and things as I kind of want to try and get a career within Media somehow so this felt like the right thing to do. I got sent an email address to contact on Twitter and emailed them.

A few weeks later, I got an email back from the guys at Attitude saying that they wanted me to come down for a talk about it. Sadly, getting from Bradford to London a couple of days before a company want you to be there whilst being student which means that most of your money gets spent on food, travel or the odd Lush product or two... I emailed and sorted out another date and sorted out everything for that but sadly anxiety got well in the way.

By anxiety getting in the way, I meant making sure that I had somewhere to stay in London for a week, enough money to survive and everything like that and after several panic attacks I just thought it wasn't worth it all and sadly declined. I feel that it would have been better for a time in my life when I was completely free or felt like I could be stable within London for the amount of time needed.

 It hasn't put me off things such as internships and other great opportunities.I just feel that before trying to reach too far by getting an internship in London without realising what I was jumping into. I feel that I was better off trying to get something that I could handle that was near me.

I hope that you have enjoyed this little story and I'll be back with posts very soon when I sort college stuff and other things out as I have a lot posts backdated that need to go up soonish so I might try and do a week worth of posts when I can.

Thank you for reading and I hope to see you next time for another blog post. If you have never checked out Attitude Magazine then click on here, They are an amazing magazine company.

Meow!
Jamie x

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I Have No Clue Anymore | My Mental Health At The Minute

Meow!

http://www.mind.org.uk/

As you can tell by the title of this post, it's going to be about mental health. Due to the topic of the post, I feel like I should warn you of things that may trigger you whilst reading which include mentions of anxiety, depression, suicide, self harm. There may be other things that may be triggering within this post and I'm sorry if they trigger you. If you don't want to read this then that's fine as I shall be back tomorrow with a review sort of post which may be more up your street. 

So the whole point of this post is to try and tell you how I'm doing and probably to make myself aware of how I'm feeling at the minute but as it's complicated I may end up rambling. Mental health is something close to my heart and everyone should openly talking about it which would someday hopefully remove the stigma and taboo behind mental health.

I started college again a few months ago after redoing my GCSE's for various reasons and as every other student within the world, going back to college/education is a struggle. I found that I had to completely stop posting blog posts for a bit whilst I sorted my bearings out which meant everything within my life got a bit haywired, Due to college, I got stressed easily and quite anxious as I had to connect with new people, talk to new tutors, find out how much work I could handle as it was completely different from the year before and try to juggle writing posts with figuring out what I'm meant to repeating again and again in my head to ensure that I'm learning it,

My depression has also been making appearances lately but I think its mainly due to the fact that I have felt quite lonely just due to the friends that I completely adore being on the other side of the UK, not knowing a lot of people within this year of college and other various reasons. I lost a good chunk of friends due to things happening this year who I could see on a daily basis so being on my own has made me kinda worthless as I thought no one gave a shit for a while.

Having quite bad anxiety has also made me wonder how the hell am I coping most of the time as well (I think I'm meant to be the one who knows the answer to that...) ,My anxiety has made life kinda hazy? One of the weird/bad points of having anxiety is trying to explain that you have memory loss to some degree as they wonder how you can remember the most random things possible when you can't remember other things. My memory loss has gotten worse as I genuinely have started to forget what happens the day before or the morning before which is quite bad when you're meant to be a student who's learning and studying. I think that having a blog and dragging someone along to things helps that as I can look back at things and remember via the words and pictures or if I'm finding it hard to remember what happened at an event.

The other quite shitty parts of anxiety are obviously anxiety attacks and honestly I can't count on how many I have had but I wouldn't wish them on anybody I hate because they're that bad, Not knowing anyone this year or not knowing the tutor makes it quite hard to explain when you're having an anxiety attack as you don't get to plan them they just kinda happen. When your tutor doesn't even know you makes it harder as well because you don't trust them enough to confide in them and tell them so you just let them question why you've ended up spending 20 minutes in the bathrooms...

If I typed about all the things to do with anxiety that are in my life then I would be here for a coupleof days just typing but there are other things in my life which make me wonder what my mental health is like and I'm going to try and explain them in the quickest way possible without getting into too much stuff.

The other things mentally that I felt like I need to talk about is how I've kind of being a lot more suicidal lately and it's mainly for many many reasons. I doubt I would ever do it even though I have planned it all out within the past. I just feel like sometimes the world would be a lot lot better off without me but then I end up sleeping due to tiring myself out and realise that this little blog is kind of my legacy at this point and to make this the most perfect it can be I have to be alive to do that.

Leading on from above I also have had quite strong thoughts about self harm. I am over two years clean and thats a massive achievement for me. It's just sometimes I remember that feeling that you'd get after you had cut and how great it felt at the time and I just feel like sometimes I need to do that just so I can feel like I can try and cope and I know that sounds so stupid and silly but self harm is an addiction and it becomes your life and I just sometimes feel like I want to go back to how I feel when I was in that time period. I thankfully realise how far I have gotten since I last cut and then I remember that when I got my piercings I said I wouldn't ever do it again and I stick to my promises.

I have no clue what I feel like or am like anymore but I suppose the best thing is to just try and carry on every single day and take it as it comes everyday as some days will be more difficult than others and that I do have friends no matter how far away who care and love me and who I can talk to when things get really really shitty.

I'm sorry if this post has been rambly or very distressing, I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest. I hope that you've found this post readable and interesting. I hope to see you next time for another blog post. If you want comment down below about how you feel and hopefully we can all help each other.

Try and go to your GP if that is possible for you and check out Mind (an amazing charity) for advice and help.

Meow!
Jamie