Wednesday 4 November 2015

I Have No Clue Anymore | My Mental Health At The Minute


As you can tell by the title of this post, it's going to be about mental health. Due to the topic of the post, I feel like I should warn you of things that may trigger you whilst reading which include mentions of anxiety, depression, suicide, self harm. There may be other things that may be triggering within this post and I'm sorry if they trigger you. If you don't want to read this then that's fine as I shall be back tomorrow with a review sort of post which may be more up your street. 

So the whole point of this post is to try and tell you how I'm doing and probably to make myself aware of how I'm feeling at the minute but as it's complicated I may end up rambling. Mental health is something close to my heart and everyone should openly talking about it which would someday hopefully remove the stigma and taboo behind mental health.

I started college again a few months ago after redoing my GCSE's for various reasons and as every other student within the world, going back to college/education is a struggle. I found that I had to completely stop posting blog posts for a bit whilst I sorted my bearings out which meant everything within my life got a bit haywired, Due to college, I got stressed easily and quite anxious as I had to connect with new people, talk to new tutors, find out how much work I could handle as it was completely different from the year before and try to juggle writing posts with figuring out what I'm meant to repeating again and again in my head to ensure that I'm learning it,

My depression has also been making appearances lately but I think its mainly due to the fact that I have felt quite lonely just due to the friends that I completely adore being on the other side of the UK, not knowing a lot of people within this year of college and other various reasons. I lost a good chunk of friends due to things happening this year who I could see on a daily basis so being on my own has made me kinda worthless as I thought no one gave a shit for a while.

Having quite bad anxiety has also made me wonder how the hell am I coping most of the time as well (I think I'm meant to be the one who knows the answer to that...) ,My anxiety has made life kinda hazy? One of the weird/bad points of having anxiety is trying to explain that you have memory loss to some degree as they wonder how you can remember the most random things possible when you can't remember other things. My memory loss has gotten worse as I genuinely have started to forget what happens the day before or the morning before which is quite bad when you're meant to be a student who's learning and studying. I think that having a blog and dragging someone along to things helps that as I can look back at things and remember via the words and pictures or if I'm finding it hard to remember what happened at an event.

The other quite shitty parts of anxiety are obviously anxiety attacks and honestly I can't count on how many I have had but I wouldn't wish them on anybody I hate because they're that bad, Not knowing anyone this year or not knowing the tutor makes it quite hard to explain when you're having an anxiety attack as you don't get to plan them they just kinda happen. When your tutor doesn't even know you makes it harder as well because you don't trust them enough to confide in them and tell them so you just let them question why you've ended up spending 20 minutes in the bathrooms...

If I typed about all the things to do with anxiety that are in my life then I would be here for a coupleof days just typing but there are other things in my life which make me wonder what my mental health is like and I'm going to try and explain them in the quickest way possible without getting into too much stuff.

The other things mentally that I felt like I need to talk about is how I've kind of being a lot more suicidal lately and it's mainly for many many reasons. I doubt I would ever do it even though I have planned it all out within the past. I just feel like sometimes the world would be a lot lot better off without me but then I end up sleeping due to tiring myself out and realise that this little blog is kind of my legacy at this point and to make this the most perfect it can be I have to be alive to do that.

Leading on from above I also have had quite strong thoughts about self harm. I am over two years clean and thats a massive achievement for me. It's just sometimes I remember that feeling that you'd get after you had cut and how great it felt at the time and I just feel like sometimes I need to do that just so I can feel like I can try and cope and I know that sounds so stupid and silly but self harm is an addiction and it becomes your life and I just sometimes feel like I want to go back to how I feel when I was in that time period. I thankfully realise how far I have gotten since I last cut and then I remember that when I got my piercings I said I wouldn't ever do it again and I stick to my promises.

I have no clue what I feel like or am like anymore but I suppose the best thing is to just try and carry on every single day and take it as it comes everyday as some days will be more difficult than others and that I do have friends no matter how far away who care and love me and who I can talk to when things get really really shitty.

I'm sorry if this post has been rambly or very distressing, I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest. I hope that you've found this post readable and interesting. I hope to see you next time for another blog post. If you want comment down below about how you feel and hopefully we can all help each other.

Try and go to your GP if that is possible for you and check out Mind (an amazing charity) for advice and help.


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